Becoming unshameable.
Women are more susceptible to shame than men. This is because of socialization, not because of any difference or flaw within us. And I see too many women using shame against one another. Becoming unshameable also means that you decide you won’t shame other women, too. Here’s how and I why I advocate for this.
I’d like to show you why I believe it’s good to practice being unshameable.
It reminds you of your own power.
It supports you taking action in your life that would bring you joy.
It’s a kinder experience for you.
It exposes a tool of patriarchy / supremacy / morality policing that you might be unaware of.
It has the potential to shift the dynamic for all women.
It unlocks the ability to have loving, connected and nourishing relationships with other women.
It helps you steer clear of relationships that aren’t aligned with your values or repair those relationships so that they are aligned.
Your everyday experience of life will be better.
You will experience less self-loathing.
Shame coming from others will not find its way into your body.
And so much more.
I don’t know about you, but when I feel shame much of me disappears or shuts down. It’s a horrible experience. In the past I’ve tended to avoid situations that might bring shame my way. I’ve stayed quiet, ignored my own desires or needs, laughed at myself with others, said yes when I meant no, went along with the crowd instead of standing up for myself, and more. The cumulative effect of this was that I felt trapped and unloved and different and wrong.
And then I realized that the power of shame is that we must agree with that shame for it to work. And what would happen if I just decided I wouldn’t allow it? What would happen if I decided to become unshameable?
Here’s what being unshameable is NOT–
It’s not being impervious to criticism or improvement
It’s not creating a defensive barrier
It’s not shaming someone before they can shame you
It’s not being uncaring about other people
And here’s what it is–
It’s just refusing to accept shame as determined by other people.
It’s allowing others to have thoughts about you that you just don’t go along with.
It’s allowing the world the have opinions about you without agreeing with them.
It’s knowing that if you’re in an intimate relationship that shame should never be used as a tactic to control you and if it is, then this is not a relationship that you should probably be in.
It’s the integrity you have in allowing the world to have very different ways of thinking and being and you not making that mean anything is wrong.
It’s emotional maturity.
It’s understanding that just because historically women take on shame easier than men that you will not contribute to that dynamic, no matter how good self-righteousness may feel. When you feel less shame in your own body you start deciding that you don’t want to offer it to others. When shame cease to exist as the currency (or constant threat) in your relationship with other women, that opens the door for true and loving connection.
Being unshameable is the realization that you are not better than anyone else in this world, and no one is better than you. It’s the assertion that we are all equal and that I don’t have to agree with you but that it doesn’t make you less valuable as a human. I refuse to strip people of their humanity just so I can feel right or better or superior.
Women shaming women is RAMPANT. I just won’t be a part of it. And we have a long way to go in our communities to make them places that are free of this dynamic. And if you cannot hear this without feeling shame, then you know you have work to do there. It’s not because of the message. It’s because of the dynamic you have with shame and shamers.
You are worthy of a better experience.
xoxo
s