I had no idea how much business would trigger me emotionally.
I don’t blame business any longer– and I don’t blame myself any longer. And THAT is a miracle.
I’m a coach, but I didn’t learn the fundamentals until 3 years into my fast-growth startup. Until it had grown 10,000% in 3 months. Until I had received death threats and was called a cunt because one of my colleagues had forgotten to renew his plates and blamed me for his car being towed.
I had NO CLUE what I was getting into.
And after having 12 months off (thank you, 2020) I am now able to pull apart what was just really shitty behavior directed at me and my own personal responsibility.
My business might be unique in some ways. But regardless, it’s just a set of circumstances. It’s numbers and instagram posts and words and weather and assets and taxes. It’s regulations and expectations and deliverables and interviews and even boozy snocones.
And I was wholly unprepared for them.
Certainly I believed myself up to the task. Having lived a life where hard work was a prerequisite for just scraping by and having gotten myself out of troubling marriage and an even more troubling ‘relationship’ after that I was very used to fighting and surviving and struggling.
I didn’t have a concept of how I could create a life of ease. Of health. Of safety and vibrance and self-care. That all was just luck.
Part of that lie in the fact that I always believed myself to be a victim of my circumstances. I didn’t spend time getting down about it or checking out of the work. In fact, the work made it possible for me to pretend that wasn’t true.
I no longer have that same story.
And it’s because of therapy, rest, coaching, feeling tremendous pain, and radical self-acceptance. I put down the thing that I believed made me worthy and realized that I always was worthy and no business could give it to me or take it away.
That was the trouble with building a purpose-based business. In addition to all the other purpose woven into my business plan and model (a thriving creative community, helping a city love itself more, creating an energy that would change a deep-seated belief about the city I love, allowing individuals who don’t do well in traditional jobs to have a chance to create a new way of making a living) there was also the purpose that I didn’t want anyone to know about. I wanted to prove that I WAS in fact of some value. You didn’t need to toss me out with the recycling or pass me up on the store shelves. I was the thing you wanted. That you needed. The thing that would prove so valuable that you might just decide to love me after all.
This is obviously a problem.
This is not the job of business. Or of your customers. Or of anyone but you.
But that doesn’t make it my ‘fault’. It was an old story that I didn’t eve know existed inside of me. That is, until the world stopped and I got to take a closer look at those thoughts swirling around in my brain.
For the first time, I saw them as choices.
For the first time, I saw the pain I was in as directly related to how I was required to survive.
For the first time, the thoughts and the pain revealed their connection.
My god.
Hating myself and changing myself was something I was taught to do.
It wasn’t my innate personality flaw that I needed to rid myself of.
I could just see it, thank it for keeping me safe, and let it know that there was no need for it anymore.
You probably can’t imagine the freedom I felt. The sadness, too. The love. The release. The anger. All the things.
Thankfully I have both a therapist and a coach. And meds. And a beautiful apartment. And a dog. And amazing friends and 2 beautiful nephews. It was almost the first time I had truly felt how much beauty is here both within me and within this world.
I had no idea that business would trigger me this way.
It’s just a set of spreadsheets. Email addresses. Bank accounts. Employee handbooks. Marketing images. Websites and blog posts and products.
But I am so glad that I learned to listen to my body. I am so glad I have a coach to help me see when I’m suffering because of the circumstances. When I’m not choosing self love or allowing myself to choose joy. Joy is here for us to experience.
The perspective I received in 2020 was so life-changing. I could not have accomplished it without tending to the needs of my body– sleep, rest, gentle movement, long showers, botanical oils, scalp massages, hand-holding– and the needs of my mind– a release from fight-or-flight, loving and lush thoughts, inspiring books and movies, love from a 3 year old nephew.
Business is business. It’s very fascinating to me. But it’s not what gives me worth. Or makes me feel love. Or proves my value. It’s just a thing I do to express my value, my creativity, my care for the world. It’s something I practice because I like the idea of challenges and growth and contribution.
When my business fails, I don’t fail. Heck, it doesn’t even fail. It’s just that it’s time to consider something different. A new way.
That is fun. It is spontaneous. It’s exhilarating. It is life.
And I also take naps. Sleep in. Cancel meetings, if I want. Change my mind.
And when it begins to cause me suffering, I pause. I take a deep breath. I look into my mind– what am I thinking that contributes to this?
And I call my coach.
A 3-hour deep dive can be broken up into 2 parts– Coaching + Consulting.
I’d love to help you get the creative results you’re looking for. I offer 3-hour deep dives so we can dig into the problem and emerge with solutions.
I typically break them up into Coaching– “tell me what’s going on and what’s wrong and why you think it’s that way” and Consulting– “now let’s decide what we’re going to do about it.”
Sound intriguing?
If you’re a first-time client, schedule a clarity call with me here and I can answer any questions you might have.