2020– a rebirth story.
Can women have birth stories without babies? Just for themselves? I think so. Here’s my 2020 birth story–it’s how I’ve become an entirely new human, more myself than ever, reborn in so many ways.
A year of being cancelled & publicly humiliated, closing my business, not knowing how I’d survive this pandemic lead to me feeling more love than I’d ever felt and confronting childhood trauma that I didn’t even know existed. Welcome to my year of feeling it all. Here’s where it’s left me.
I woke up this morning, similarly to most every morning (over the past 3 months) with immense gratitude that I get to live this life. I stare at the bare trees outside my window and consider why leaves only exist when it’s warm and then I note that in my journal for further study later.
My life could not be more different than it was a year ago.
Last December, I woke up how I always did– with an immense amount of anxiety pulsing through my veins, terrified about what the day might bring, steeling myself as I always did. I’d look up at the trees and not even notice them. I would try to experience gratitude, but fear and exhaustion would crowd it out.
What would go through my mind? Mostly questions about how I’d turn myself into someone that I loved. Or how I’d make myself more responsible so I could finally depend on myself. Also, how I’d pay rent and my employees and fend off all the constant social media attacks.
I’d force a smile and pull myself out of bed and tell myself, “It’s all your thoughts. You are amazing. You can do this!”
But I wouldn’t believe it.
Wildly enough, I’m really grateful for that time.
This girl, she NEVER gave up.
She loved immensely, even those people who only looked at her with contempt. I’m so proud of her and how she stuck the landing.
And I’m also so proud of her that she decided she wanted something better.
Here’s a look at my year of feeling it all, and where that’s gotten me.
I can now say that I am willing to feel it all.
I realize now that I was avoiding so much pain, and because of that I lived in daily suffering– anxiety, depression, fear, stress.
My body was mostly never at ease.
I am a generally positive person, and I had genuine fun and exciting conversations and moments–but that was always accompanied with anxiety, fight-or-flight and fear. My body was never free from those feelings–unless I was drinking or eating.
I had no relief in sight.
In December, I spoke with my friend, who is a coach. She told me that my body and brain could experience relief. I decided to believe her.
I was in so much emotional pain. I was exhausted. And I figured it was all my fault. I tried to give up drinking and snacking all the time, but I just couldn’t. I used this against myself, believing I had no will power.
The more I tried to believe I could solve this on my own, the more I blamed myself for failure. It was a cycle I couldn’t get out of.
That is, until I coached with Charity for about a year.
If you can relate to me, know that there is hope. There is a solution.
January 2020– The crumbling.
I was physically exhausted after a grueling holiday season operating our storefront.
I was $8000 short in paying back vendors from our holiday shop–despite pretty amazing sales, our portion didn’t cover our overhead.
I had just announced publicly that I would take 2020 off to restructure. I still didn’t know what that meant.
I had no employees or team members, and despite what we believe about bosses, going from caring Immensely about a team of humans to them not being in your life is loss. I was very sad about it–but I didn’t have anywhere to go with that (or so I thought).
February 2020– No more avoiding (aka “the incident”)
I took out a $60k Paypal loan to cover overhead for 2 months and vendor payout. I planned to pay back this wildly-aggressive loan by June because I was planning to hold 2 small vintage markets.
I launched Brave Business Club–on my birthday, February 1st. I had a night out with some of my very best friends at Zhug. The snow was falling lightly. It was a gorgeous night. I felt a renewed sense of what I was meant to do.
I decided it was time to post my first facebook post for Cleveland Flea–about the 2021 season. I wondered what people were interested in eating and drinking. A large group of trolls descended on the post and started ripping me apart. I shut down the conversation–and then I was a scandal. Articles were written about me (even in Chicago!). People who did not know me were saying the most cruel things about me. I was so humiliated. So angry. So sad. It was the first part of my healing–though I would not know it in the moment.
I began coaching….and feeling. All of what I’d bottled up for years was uncorked in February. There was no way to put it back.
I began designing–Charity had hired me to rebuild her website + brand.
My very good friend Nolan sat with me. Defended me. Loved me. So did so many of you. I felt their love in such a big way. They SAW my pain. They acknowledged it.
I worked through a lot of this pain with Charity. Allowing it.
March 2020– Emerging from the cocoon momentarily.
The pandemic hit our shores. It was apparent that I couldn’t host markets. I had a $4000 a month loan to contend with and no income.
But there was also a sense that we were all in this together–I was also happy for the focus to not be on me.
I panicked about being able to pay rent (all 3–my apartment, and my 2 Flea spaces that I have leases on).
I cancelled everything I could live without (bookkeepers, programs, Netflix, EVERYTHING).
It was freeing, sort of.
I had boarded a plane to Dallas before there was a shutdown and it was so weird. People were dressed in head to toe plastic. We landed just to realize my conference had been cancelled. I met Charity and we had one night together and then rushed to the airport the following morning.
Lockdown.
April 2020– Still avoiding the past, reckoning with the present.
I got to sleep in. I had no where to be. I FINALLY got my home in order. In all the years of running Cleveland Flea, I had hardly any energy and time to work on my own space at home.
I realized how important my own space was. I brought home supplies from the office and got to work on some DIY stuff that brought me immense happiness.
Creativity became healing for me.
I met Abby (who would become a great friend)–and Riz and I began working with her on business.
May 2020– Confronting the past– toxic masculinity, misogyny + white supremacy.
Spring. At least we could be outside.
I began to notice stuff like birds chirping and clouds and trees. Nolan and I walked 12 miles to see Lauren outside her house and back.
I hired my first employee at Brave Business Club–I had received a PPP loan and it needed to be directed to salaries, but I had no employees.
George Floyd. Protests. Sadness, anger, a tipping point.
I began to dig into my own story. I saw how White Supremacy and Toxic Masculinity had caused me so much trauma, too. Nolan observed that though my parents seemed to be nice enough people, their style of parenting traumatized me. I felt seen. I talked to Charity about that.
June 2020– Rock bottom.
I took my anger and frustration and desire to be a part of a solution and created a course for white women who wanted to learn how to process their emotions so that they could be more open to antiracist work. It didn’t go off well publicly and I was further called out.
It was more painful than the first, because so many people I loved felt let down. It was devastating.
I worked through this with Charity and so many of my Black friends reached out to me, to see if I was ok. To talk.
I began to focus a huge amount of effort onto what would happen to Cleveland Flea–the resources, the business, the intellectual property. I had announced in January 2020 that I would donate my resources to events run by teams headed by people of color and immigrants. I spoke to so many women of color about their thoughts on this. I pulled together a team of roughly 20 people of color to voice what they thought I should do.
Riz and I spent every Wednesday for 2 hours digging into and discussing the work of Black thought-leaders and history.
July 2020– Feeling love again, for self and others.
I was feeling all the things I had avoided for so long–anger, rage, sadness, disappointment. I gained immense clarity on my own personal trauma.
I confronted my parents for the first time without feeling wild emotion. I just felt calm. I told them I was confused about what they wanted from me. I invited them to tell me THEIR stories.
I stopped blaming.
But I also stopped denying my own story.
I had been severely traumatized as a child. I had a thought that if that was true that I would profoundly hurt my parents. So I had been denying this story my entire life and instead trying to get them to show up as the parents I needed so that my story could end.
Instead, I realized that two things could be true at once–I could be hurt and my parents could be ‘at fault’ but not have intended it. However, as adults, we get to set more rules around our lives and that’s what I began doing with them.
For the first time in my life, I have no anger toward them. But I also talk about what happened to me and what I require now in all my relationships. I invited them to be a part of that.
August 2020– Processing Trauma.
I had been running Brave Biz Club for 6 months and decided to take on more freelance and coaching work. I put it on hold. Riz wanted to run her own business a bit more so we decided to change our relationship to more of a contractor status.
I spent time in Chicago with my nephews (for many Summer weeks, actually) and I felt so much love.
I picked up my camera and began using it for work. I built my sister-in-law’s website and had my first official photo shoot–with her.
September 2020– Processing more trauma.
I officially launched my coaching + consulting business. I rebuilt my website for the 100th time. Except this time I was OBSESSED. It was so easy for me to decide what I did. I had so much clarity.
I had been coaching for 8 full months.
I felt like I’d been re-born. Truly.
I realized how detrimental it had become for me to ignore my body. Ignore my sadness and pain and story.
I signed on 2 more coaching / content creation projects.
I still fall asleep by thinking about really traumatic stuff–for some reason it calms me to imagine worst-case scenarios. Charity tells me that it’s part of how I’ve wired my brain. I want to get to a place where my daydreams are not nightmares.
October 2020– Paying attention to my body and the joy creativity brings me.
I went on my first ever Boss Vacay where I was the photographer. It was so much fun.
I signed another big project.
I decided to re-paint my office white and turn it into a photo studio / workshop.
I had a huge sale at my office to sell tons of stuff. It helped me pay my rent, yay!
I had an epic outdoor photo shoot with my friend Abby–it was amazing.
I had a photo shoot at a little A-frame cabin in the woods and stayed out there for a few days. I began to feel the difference in my life.
November 2020– Reckoning with the next thing (food + drink).
My body and brain have never felt better. My heart is full.
I am more in debt than I have EVER been. I have less ‘security’ than I have ever had.
I feel the love of everyone around me.
I have thoughts that are positive, even when I’m just drifting off to sleep.
I tell people I love them. I cry when I need to.
I visit Richmond for Thanksgiving to see my pod-mate and one of my best friends, Nolan.
I take photos for 3 brands with a bunch of models I’ve begun to love so much!
I still obsess over eating and drinking and my diet and losing the 20lbs.
December 2020– The results of my ‘Year of Feeling it All”
I stop drinking. It’s wildly easy. I don’t even really get why it’s so easy.
I stop overeating + snacking. I don’t even really get why it’s so easy. I’m not obsessing about what I’m eating or not eating.
I am making $10k each month with coaching and consulting.
My office is almost done. I’ve officially had one amazing shoot in my space.
I sleep so well. I fall asleep thinking about my dreamy future and my dreamy present. I’ve made peace with my past. I’ve worked through a lot of trauma. I no longer feel that I have to prove anything to people.
I have a lot of energy.
I’ve lost 7lbs–and I haven’t even been trying.
I work daily on creative work, and I feel wildly accomplished at the end of every day.
I ordered Holiday cards for the VERY FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.
My skin is glowing.
I drink SO MUCH WATER.
I feel my body. I listen to it when it’s tired, dehydrated, hungry, excited.
I move it when it feels like it wants to be moved.
I allow compliments and love with ease.
I love showing up here, writing and connecting and creating and believing in myself 1000%.
All this is due to coaching.
Coaching helps you feel it all.
So you can feel new things.