The subtle, yet powerful shift from Need to Want.
This is a profound shift that can help you feel better and allow you to do more of what you truly love.
As women, we are socially-conditioned to people please. We’re taught that it’s a woman’s job to make other people happy and comfortable. I find that this creates so much confusion for us around our own desires. We often find ourselves unable to even figure out what we truly want because if it’s not about other people we devalue it. We even might believe it’s selfish for us to have desires or wants. We can find it triggering to have wants. When you have internalized the belief that it’s your job to make other people happy, and that it’s selfish to pursue your own desires, you are going to have thoughts that create anxiety when you try to prioritize yourself.
This forms the foundation for many of us working for some basic needs (some, not all) probably defined by other people for us and abandoning or even turning against our own desires / wants.
Needs (again, as defined maybe largely by society or potentially by our fathers or husbands) end up being safe to pursue. Wants are beyond that, deemed selfish, and we often know that they won't be supported or even understood. So, we let them go. We turn against them.
And in doing so, we live in confusion, less-than-aliveness, and sometimes even anger that we’re not sure where it has come from.
It is absolutely wonderful and helpful to have defined your basic needs, especially as we embark on entrepreneurship and relationship. But it is also crucial to define your own desires. Living a life where you only acknowledge and pursue what you need, and never what you want will leave you feeling less alive, less connected to the world to which you belong.
And further, I think that the word ‘need’ can often bring on a graspy-ness and anxiety that triggers a nervous system response. The word ‘want’ (for women at least) can often bring on thoughts of selfishness, triggering shame.
I want you to know your needs without the gripping fear that without meeting them you will die.
I want you to know your wants / desires without feeling shame or guilt or selfishness.
We may not always have our needs met.
We may not always be able to get what we want.
And that is ok.
Knowing them is a powerful thing. Knowing the difference between them is also powerful.
And knowing that it is ok, human, perfectly wonderful for you to have both is emotionally freeing.
EXERCISES–
If you’re feeling graspy–
Let’s regulate your nervous system by breathing, by rooting yourself to the earth, by practicing the thought that you are safe. Your body is safe.
Practice writing the things you need on a piece of paper and when you do this, pay attention to the thoughts that pop up about these needs. Write them down as well.
Continue breathing. Always.
If you’re feeling selfish / ashamed–
Similar to above, let’s take some deep breaths. Let’s get ‘home’ as my coach calls it. Home is feeling safe and whole and rooted to the present moment, calmly.
Practice writing your wants and desires. We’d like to feel more intentionally turned on and excited by our wants and desires. Does this happen for you? What do you want to feel?
Remember that you are a being on this earth like everyone else and your wants and desires are valid, and require no approval from anyone else for them to exist for you.